Parents, teens and members of the school community gathered for a discussion Thursday night centered on how to face loss, focusing on how parents can help children cope with death, divorce or other stressful and traumatic experiences.

Dr. Mark Porto, superintendent of school,  invited Brigid Caffrey, director of the Rainbows program at the Ridgewood YMCA, to the community forum to share valuable information on this timely subject which is relatable to the community as there have been a series of losses in the recent past.

When it comes to helping children cope communication is key, Caffrey explained. Parents naturally tend to want to protect their children but that can actually do more harm than good, therefore telling them what is happening is the best way to help them cope, she explained.

Caffrey explained the differences in dealing with loss for the different age groups of children – from age 2 up through the teen years. The key factor for all children is to talk to them and tell them what is happening, answer their questions and also listen to what they have to say, she said. Children can easily fantasize and make the scenario even worse if they do not know the facts therefore it is important to explain it to them and help them understand it.

Children ages 2 to 6 will not fully understand the permanency of death. They will look towards their caregivers for clues, therefore if a parent and others around hold it in the children may do the same. Caffrey advises that parents ask the child to repeat to them what was explained so the parent can really see if the child understands.

A difficult time for all, especially when a parent is grieving the loss of a spouse, it is best that they all work together at healing, she advised. It is also important that in this type of situation the surviving parent has additional support from other family members or friends.

Children who are a little bit older will want to understand more about how the person died and may also have feelings of guilt, somehow thinking perhaps they did something to cause it. Children ages 9 to 11 may have thoughts that go beyond the loss itself focusing on other concerns such as what happens next, what happens to their home, who pays the bills, will the other parent die next. Caffrey says it’s best for parents to reassure the child and make sure he or she knows that they will get through it together.  

Teenagers have an adult understanding and will grieve as adults do. As it is a time where they are beginning to become less dependent and more independent a loss in the family can halt some of this development, Caffrey said. Teens may also deal with guilt, responsibility and anger over the death of a loved one.

Parents can’t protect children from what happened but they can help them to get through the grieving process, Caffrey told parents. Everyone deals with loss differently and there is no timeline for when one should get past the grieving process, she explained. If a parent is concerned a child is not handling it well, seeking help through a support group or a professional will definitely help, she says.

Caffrey, who has been with Rainbow for 19 years, explained the program first started in Chicago by a woman whose children were struggling with her divorce from their father. That first program began in a church and today the program is run by community organizations like the YMCA or churches all over the country. It provides children with a place to go to talk about their feelings with others going through the same thing, she explained. 

Caffrey talked about the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – which the program is based on, pointing out that people must remember to allow themselves to go through the process on their own time. Although society seems to make men believe they must be tough and strong, they need to grieve to, Caffrey said. In fact parents should not be afraid to cry in front of their children.

Sometimes outsiders don’t know what to say to those who have lost someone. Caffrey says they should just simply send their thoughts, even if it’s just a voice message, or an email. Knowing that one is being thought of is very important to someone who is grieving, she says.

When it comes to attending services, Caffrey said parents should explain it to the child and let him or her decide. With older children, a parent can encourage them to go but listen to what they have to say, and also be prepared to answer questions, especially with younger children.

Caffrey also spoke of the important role the school community can play, as it can offer a lot of support. In a recent case where a child in Ridgewood tragically died in an accident, the school prepared all staff members to share the exact same message with the students so they could cope with it as one community, she explained.

The school community is a great resource, she said, offering lots of help for everyone involved.