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Woman Gets Foul Welcome Home Surprise

Gross vandalism and crimes against the house of God top this week's crazy New Jersey police news.

Each week, Patch combs through the more shocking, surprising and often absurd alleged criminal acts and police-related incidents that unfold throughout New Jersey. Here’s what went on this week for “OMGs from NJ PD.”

Nauseating No. 2: It’s bad enough to come home to any vandalism on your property, but coming home to human poo smeared on your door? That’s a special kind of awful. A Montclair woman told police —though, fortunately, she noticed before she touched it. Adding insult to injury, the likely feces fiend left his boxers in the front yard.

Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You: A sign outside of a Woodbury church asks “Will you rob God?” In two New Jersey towns, the answer is an apparent yes. The Woodbury church in question had its property hit by thieves who didn’t just grab scrap metal—, even tearing out the main water line. And in Toms River, someone removed an air conditioner from a church window and broke into the building to . In the words of one commenter, “They should have taken the AC unit, too. It’s hot where they're going.”

What Do Non-Snitches Get? Arrested: Maybe Edison’s James Cooper will look a little more favorably on snitching in the future. Instead of telling nearby cops that a man spit in his face, Cooper, 23, reportedly . That move—helped by his decision to try to punch the man and curse at cops—landed him in cuffs at the police station, where officers were indifferent to the old “I have a relative who’s a cop” line.

Blade Switch: Most fake guns eject a little flag that says “pow!” but South Brunswick Police say Sam Sutton, 22, was . Sutton’s replica .22-caliber handgun produced a blade instead, police say. Fortunately, an officer spotted the fake gun and held Sutton with his hands up until backup arrived.

Gnome-napping: There isn’t always safety in numbers. Just ask the three little . Despite a gnome ABP, the trio hadn’t found their way home as of press time.

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